Sexual Energy as an Emotional Outlet
Something special I did was make the people who wouldn’t normally pay for porn to create an OF account solely for the purpose of talking to me. Highly doubt looks alone will be of any sway for people who just isn’t in the market for this kind of stuff since there’s plenty of very attractive women in the porn for free on the internet. Not to say my looks didn’t factor into this; being attractive most definitely was crucial in initially capturing their attention, but the personality elements were the decisive factors in them making their subscription.
Most of my life, I grew up alone and without friends. I was often alienated from my peers for being too “weird” and bullied for my awkward mannerisms. I adapted early to primarily online communication since my closest friends were my online ones I met from games like maple story and WoW. I felt it was easier to express who I was online because their perceptions of who I am was not filtered by behaviors out of my control such as tics and speech irregularities. I am judged solely by the ideas I express in our conversations which I think are more representative of my being anyways. I don’t really need any in real life interaction because I feel my online ones fulfill the same social need.
I grew up feeling ugly and undesirable. I grew up believing I was “retarded” because I was diagnosed on the spectrum at 7 years old. I was called a retard too many times to count and at this point I use the term to spite them. Growing up ugly made me feel I had to develop my other faculties such as my personality and intellect. I’ve been told you have an “ugly girls personality” whatever that means lol. For most of my life I overly identified with my intellect, basically subsumed who I was (I saw myself as a “brain in a vat”).
All throughout my schooling years, I was bullied relentlessly even when I actually tried to fit in and be normal. At that point I felt there was no need in pretending so I decided then and there to stop caring about what anyone (except my family) thinks and just focus my concern on creative self expression and my ethical conduct with my interactions in the world around me. I encountered far too many cruelties in my life; I don’t want to add that to another person’s life by being cruel myself. I want to be the person that reminds people there’s still goodness left in the world, that makes them feel hopeful and forgiving. I want to be the person who makes them feel heard and understood.
A big reason why my Onlyfans focuses on emotional support is because it’s lacking in the world for men. I don’t think there’s proper resources dedicated to men in many places, for example men as sexual abuse victims (which we can’t forget do exist). So much of men’s emotional outlets are channeled into violence, sexual energy is a much better means of emotional relief — I want to offer a mixture of both — hyper-focusing on the sexual at the expense of the emotional will only leave you unsatisfied because you will be left with all the emotional pain you had to begin with, you’ve reached the end but there’s no resolution. Repression causes more repression, till they pile up and you don’t know which of your problems are caused by the other, and so on.
Emotional expression helps heal emotional suffering — although it may be initially difficult and perhaps painful, you learn a lot about yourself as both a sexual and emotional being. You learn to see what you are truly deserving of as a person — I will tell you what that is: you deserve to be listened to, you deserve to experience what you experience (if you feel sad, then be sad. There’s no comparing sadness or that someone doesn’t have a right to feel sad because another has it worse). You deserve to be respected as a human being (the Kantien in me) with means of his own. A huge social issue for me is the high male suicide rate — partly the lack of emotional resources available just for men (and stigma). My ex committed suicide when he was 22 (he should have been 28 now); I wish there was a way he could have been helped. It’s hard not to feel guilty or think I could have actually prevented it; all I can do is try to prevent future suicides from occurring by being emotionally receptive and open.
